i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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