very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
