im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
