The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
