Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
