How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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