you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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