Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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