I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
