Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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