just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
