I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
