Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
