Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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