are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
