if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
