Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
my liver is dry heaving
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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