so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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