Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
