I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
