Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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