You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
