It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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