i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
