I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
