Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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