In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
