life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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