grandma shit on top of the toilet
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
