I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize