I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
