My Higher Power is John Stamos
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
And then he peed in my hair
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