Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize