Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
