The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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