I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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