you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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