Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
