i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
why is half of my head shaved?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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