He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
