hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
