I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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