No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
