im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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