my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
