did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
