i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
