she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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