there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
