if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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