nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
