I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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