Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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