Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
