I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
