whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
