i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
