someone owes me an orgasm
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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