how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
