Where are you?
In a non slutty way
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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