Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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