i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
