What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
